Depression and Anxiety

Strange Mourning

I felt progressively more depressed today. It wasn't exactly like depression until the evening. During the day I felt tired in a heavy way and like I was in a dream. I felt like I was a zombie and didn't feel much of an affect. Everything felt more and more like a big effort. It felt like everything was thick, and I had to push through it but didn't have the energy. I wished I was in a movie theater just staring at a screen or asleep because that's what I felt like.

I had two days where I felt this way towards the end of last week as well. I think it has to do with Cloud's death (my favorite cat). I have had crying episodes here and there but found myself mainly relieved that the poor cat is no longer suffering. I've just had these few days (two last week, then today) where I feel like I've been hit by a truck. That's what comes to mind. I feel kind of knocked over and empty. Sometimes when I'm depressed my heart hurts, and I am constantly crying. I don't feel that way. I just feel like I have no feeling inside me, like it is hard to do the simplest thing, and like I just want to crawl back into bed. I was on the phone with J tonight, and I just felt it hard to carry on a conversation, like my voice had no feeling. I find myself just staring blankly.


I think that when Cloud was dying and I thought I was going to be going right to a new job, I was under the subconscious assumption that I would be able to put off grief because I'd be so focused on preparing for the new job. Now that the new job has been delayed, and Cloud has died, I find myself faced with my grief.

posted by Jayla @ Monday, October 20, 2008