Depression and Anxiety

No change on Zoloft yet...

I'm still taking my 50 mg Zoloft. It's been a difficult transition. Soon after starting I caught a cold. Often colds make me depressed, though this cold was mild, and I did not get too depressed. However, I got horrible stomach pains that I think were related to the Zoloft suddenly being in my system. The way I transitioned was to simply stop the Celexa and start the Zoloft. If I had it to do over, I would have done it more slowly (split pills, yada yada). The pains were awful. I was on the verge of going to the doctor or the ER but waited it out, and it disappeared. It is such a joy when a pain disappears. From the excellent movie Rosemary's Baby:

Rosemary: "The pain...It's stopped."

It was weird to have all this pain while having a cold. It had also been my last week of work before my two week vacation. Hence, I was busy as all get-out. Now it is the weekend before the second week of my vacation. During the first week of my vacation, I went to Ohio, and my girlfriend Cindy came for the first half of my time there. I felt depressed in Ohio. It's hard to be away from my cats. It's shocking how much they light up my life. I had a good time in Ohio but I felt the malaise. Cindy has a friend who talks about "the tyranny of good weather." This refers to when you are, say, at a movie during good weather and feel guilty like you should be outside due to the good weather. I think that's how it goes. In any case, the general concept reminds me of how I am supposed to be overjoyed, in a state of relaxation and radical bliss, because I have a break from work. I am on "vacation." The thing is that I often do poorly during vacations. My mental health deteriorates. I need routine and structure. I also feel meaningful at my job, even though it stresses me out. I don't need extra time to think. Isn't that sad? Given time alone I spiral downward. It's frustrating because I always want more time for art and writing, but given the time I mentally disintegrate. I wilt instead of bloom. I have been ruminating some about being 32 y.o. For instance, should I have a child/children? Often when I am depressed I become preoccupied with a certain solution. For instance, if I had a child, life would be more meaningful. Another time, years ago, the preoccupation centered on how if I would lead a heterosexual lifestyle, life would be lovely. I tend to think that thoughts during depressive states are inaccurate. So far I haven't seen any change in my mood since taking the Zoloft. My mood hasn't been horrible but at times empty. I felt that way in Ohio, the dark feeling and also feeling like a zombie. Zoloft has the "zombie" side effect to some extent. Celexa didn't as much. However, with Celexa I felt that I had more lows. I feel edgy now to see if the Zoloft ends up being effective or not. What if it doesn't? Lexapro? Ugh. Changing and adjusting medications bites. I have not been swimming enough, and that has been detrimental. The reasons have been the cold, the stomach pain, and being in a long distance relationship again. I don't get my sleep, and then I feel too tired to swim. I'm thinking of just swimming regardless of whether I've slept. Those types of swims are tough but it would probably be the best. I think I'll do that tonight. As far as my nutrition, I've decided to stop drinking soft drinks with sugar. It's a small gesture but inarguably a good one. I do feel some concern about how the Zoloft will affect my weight. Thanks for all the comments below. E.J., how is your Zoloft? Mia, what kind of calcium is Tums (I usually take 500 at night)? Kerry and Diana, thanks for writing out your med regimen. Michelle, what dose of Lexapro do you take, and do you get any side effects? LLE, what is the name of your blog? I'm having trouble getting to it. Debra, what dose of Celexa are you taking?

posted by Jayla @ Sunday, February 20, 2005