Sweet Sadness
My cold is over but I have a horrible, lingering hacking cough. I often get Bronchitis, and it hangs on for quite awhile. It will probably go away soon, I hope! Sometimes it's a dry, irritating cough, and other times I sound like a scary dog barking! The cold weather makes it worse, as do the subway steps and my apartment steps. I feel quite depressed tonight. I am probably depressed in general because my pattern of depression is for it to show up on the weekends more strongly, when I have more time to think. I felt it last Saturday night at Eli's surprise party for David and Jan. I felt it in the same way I feel it tonight, like a cold wind blowing through my soul. It feels like "melancholy" in that it feels sentimental, romantic even. I have different types of depression, and this is a strange one. It's very strong yet doesn't feel entirely chemical, like it relates to something too. The Zoloft feels like swallowing chalk dust. It doesn't seem helpful right now at all. I'm swimming fifty lengths every day, and that feels nice, except when I'm coughing a lot, like today. I've been going to my therapy, my old therapist, not the gorgeous one. I'm happy to be with my old therapist. So, what I'm saying is that I'm working my program. No one can tell me I'm a slacker right now in handling my depression. I've thought about increasing my Zoloft a little bit, with my psychiatrist, of course, but I may hold out, since the depression seems like it may relate to something. I felt very depressed while I was sick. My dreams have been melancholic. They feature muted colors and are from a previous era (antiques and stuff). The curious thing about this depression is the sweet aspect of the sadness. There is some beauty in it. This is different than usual. I wonder if it is the time of year. This is around the time when I was raped eight years ago, when my parents were divorcing, a horrible time in my life. Last year my mom had broken her leg, and I was off meds and terribly depressed. Over Easter weekend last year, I broke up with Sylvia, then felt too scared and got back together with her, only to break up with her for good in June. So perhaps there are some anniversary issues. When everything is colored so darkly, how can I enjoy anything? I have moments of happiness but this feeling of depression is so strong. I feel inhabited by it. Is it because spring is starting? There's a lot of speculation with depression but the answers aren't always so clear. Any advice for how to deal with dating while suffering from depression?
posted by Jayla @ Friday, March 25, 2005
8 Comments:
All those anniversary issues and especially the rape are contributing, of course.
75 mg zoloft worked for me.
you are working your program. would the presence of a ma help? B
It's always so difficult to tell if a depression is chemical or related to certain events. I personally think it's both. It's got to be really difficult to hide your depression from the woman you are dating. It's a legitimate illness and isn't a weakness or anything. I'm sure you already know that, but maybe it helps to hear it. The cold probably stressed your system too. It will lift, it always does.
Take care !
Thanks for the support P-f, B, and Self Seeker. You all have helpful thoughts.
Some things we have in common:
(1) I have the same cough that has followed after the worst cold I think I have ever had.
(2)My depression is always at its worst when I actually have time to think. Which is why I am perpetually tired because I keep busy so I don’t think.
(3) My therapist was a major fan of “sitting with my anxiety” – not much fun in that!
(4)I find that my depression is almost directly related to changes in the seasons – not much advice to offer. I just try to know that and roll with it.
(5)I have been married for 4 years this coming July. While my husband logically understands depression he can only “get it on some level” Unless you have gone through it there are just some things that you can’t expect a partner to fully understand.
My advice, be upfront about it but not in an “OH MY GOD I HAVE DEPRESSION” way but rather in “if I seem to retreat sometimes it is because I deal with depression, I have been for years and I just don’t want you to think that it has anything to do with you. I will do my best to communicate as it comes up” kind of way.
Let your happy partner make you laugh. Yes even when you are looking at them thinking “shut up” let them be funny and happy and sometimes even let them try to pull you out of it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Usually I end up crying and laughing at the same time. In a good relationship it works. There are days when my husband just hugs me, calls me a nut case and says don’t worry about it we have the rest of our lives for happy days.
Good luck and I agree with your therapist. Don’t give up on this one yet. Anxiety is so normal at the start of any relationship. I woudl also talk with your therapist about a temporary boost to your meds - sometimes I need to do that just to get me over a hump.
Hey Jenny
Thanks for dropping by my blog.
I can't say I have any advice on how to maintain a relationship amidst depression. I've never been in a relationship before, believe it or not.
I've been on zoloft and a whole heap of other anti depressants. Can't say they did me any good though.
Hope you recover from your cold soon. Being physically sick isn't any much fun.
This is the first time I have come across your blog...putting everything out there that you have dealt with makes you pretty strong within itself. Personally, I agree weekends and any times that are spent with a wondering mind are hard for someone with depression (I'm going on four years).
As for the zoloft...my psychiatrist once said that your body can build up an immunity to it over time so I got switched to different meds and that really helped. Good luck with your battle.
Gosh, Finnegan, I'm so sorry to hear that your good friend has throat cancer. I'm glad your friend has someone like yourself as part of his/her support network. Life sure is unfair but hang in there. I like your new blog design. Also, stop by anytime. Misery loves company. Sending a big hug your way, Jennynyc
Jenny thank you for your recent comments on my photo blog. Sorry I've been a while getting back. I like the way you have compartmentalised your blogs, do you think it shows how you attempt to deal with life?
I have suffered with depression for many years. Sometimes severe other times mild. I am just emerging from a very deep spell as you might guess if you have read my recent writing on my main blog. I guess we both have discovered it is good to be brave and speak up. Eventually sensitive souls will listen and respond.
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