Depression and Anxiety

Plan to see shrink and take Zoloft again

Today I had morning anxiety and a lot of depression and anxiety throughout the day. The swim was a bright spot. This cold looks like it might be ending, making it just a weekend cold. I will be so delighted if that's the case. Getting the energy back that a cold takes away helps so much. I've felt a lot healthier over the course of the day, like the cold is going away. And thank goodness I was well enough to swim during it. Exercise, and swimming in particular, help my depression so much. I took half a Klonopin earlier in the day before going out, to lessen the anxiety. I was depressed and anxious to the point of being teary, of wanting to sob but holding it so that I could swim. Then the swim gives me an immediate boost of hope. After that, I went back to my apartment and then out to meet Mia and Hope for dinner in the Village. I took the wrong train and ended up in Chinatown and struggled to get there. I felt overly frustrated because of the dep and anx and began to cry. I was upset that I had made myself nearly half an hour late. Of course, Mia and Hope were nice when I got there. Hope said she has done the same thing before, even ended up in Chinatown, and Mia said she was surprised because I'm "never late" (not exactly true, but it made me feel better). I hate being late. I admire Hope who truly is never late. Being with Mia and Hope brightened my mood immensely so that this evening (night) I don't feel too bad. They have buoyant, positive, humorous, and easygoing personalities that make me light up just to be around. I feel that about them probably more than any other people in the city. I simply don't do as well with other depressed and anxious people. Again, it makes me think that a partner with a similar personality would be a good idea. I just have to find someone who is in the market for a depressive :-). I spoke with my dad early in the day and he spoke to a psychopharm specialist at a conference who suggested adding half a pill of Wellbutrin XR 150 (a very, very low dose) to the Celexa 10 or 15. Then, as per Dr. Specialist, that would desensitize me to the anxiety effects of the Wellbutrin and I could increase it to a whole pill. My dad is so crazy about low does of medication. I have pretty much decided (yes, an actual decesion) to return to the Zoloft 50 milligrams (a low dose), since it worked for me in the past. If weight is a problem, I can change again (or try adding Wellbutrin), but I think it might work out. Zoloft treats depression, anxiety, and OCD, a perfect combination for me. When I felt depressed this morning, I felt like I couldn't eat, like at most I could have a meal bar before swimming. Depression is the best diet (I always totally lose my appetite) but not worth it, of course. I plan to call Dr. Sullivan's secretary tommorow to set up an appointment (I remembered his name!). He's a very happy, casual guy. I'll see what he thinks, but he tends to be agreeable, as I've said. His suggestion had been Lexapro, marketed as Celexa without the side effects. But like I said, I haven't always heard that to be true (not much to show that on www.remedyfind.com). I may be tired of the whole Celexa/Lexapro genre. It gives me a slight manic feeling. Though I will always remember my month (or several weeks) of glee while on the 20 milligrams. The problem was the sexual side effects. I didn't get that with Zoloft. I laughed when I read an internet comment about Celexa, "This drug should be given to child molesters and rapists because they will not be able to perform." It does have the nickname Nosexa. Though different drugs affect each person differently. They can have opposite side effects, for instance with weight. Though generally, from my research of people's experiences, all the SSRI's have weight gain. Wellbutrin doesn't but it has anxiety. When I took diet meds, I felt anxious too. I would so love to have the medication issue resolved, so wish me luck. I'm not sure what I want to do with therapy yet. It would be ideal, I think, to have a gay or lesbian therapist, though I'm not entirely opposed to someone else. I may work on the medication issue first, depending on how I feel.

posted by Jayla @ Sunday, September 19, 2004