Depression and Anxiety

Medication and therapy

Tonight I feel zombie-like and depressed. There is no special reason. I felt good during the week, quite occupied with work and enjoying it. I woke up feeling good but by afternoon felt sadness tinged with anxiety. I am taking 10 milligrams of Celexa. I stopped therapy after starting Celexa and breaking up with my girlfriend. At the time I was taking 20 milligrams of Celexa. However, with concerns about my weight and a pronounced effect on my libido, I lowered it to 10 milligrams. I still felt good, then tried going off it, but quickly relapsed. I returned to taking 10 milligrams but still have felt some depression and anxiety. Perhaps I should go into therapy again, but I need to find a new therapist and start with that new therapist, and that is daunting. I could go back to my old therapist, Jane, who I had been seeing for a year, but I am not sure that she is right for me at this time. I have a hard time starting new things (i.e. in this case, a new therapist). I want to make the right choice in a therapist, because my mind is so important. I am also sensitive and want to minimize bad experiences. I might look around the internet for a new therapist. Ugh, yucky task. I also question whether this medication is right for me. I definitely will not raise it due to side effects. David, my bro (a psychiatrist), suggests raising it slightly adding Wellbutrin to offset side effects. I could go back to Zoloft, 50 milligrams. That always worked well for me. However, my dad doesn't want me to take Zoloft because of its association with weight gain. I'm not so sure Celexa isn't just as bad or worse. He thinks that Celexa does not have the weight and libido issues but he is wrong. Yet I know he loves me so I find myself trusting him. I don't see my psychiatrist much. In fact, as I write this I forget his name. He's kind without a big ego, and I like him. He's into research. He suggested that I switch to Lexapro, reputed not to have the side effects. However when I check the excellent web site www.remedyfind.com, most people note no difference in side effects. And I trust the public more than marketing info. David and my dad (a psychiatrist) speak negatively of Lexapro. Wellbutrin seemed to have no effect or a worse effect on me when I tried it prior to Celexa. However, I was taking only 100 milligrams, not the recommended dose of 300 mg. This was because my dad suggested that I start slow. My mom takes Effexor to good effect. She likes it even better than when she took Zoloft. I tried that for one night, and that night I had a panic attack, so I didn't give the Effexor a try. Maybe I should (another option). I was a bit scared that a possible side effect is a rapid heartbeat, particularly when starting. I associate a rapid heartbeat with panic. I may sound too focused on the medication issue instead of psychological issues. However, I believe that correctly medicating someone with clinical depression and anxiety is crucial for recovery (I work in the field as a social worker). I have struggled with these issues all my life, with periods of feeling good, usually while on medication. Six months or so into my relationship with my girlfriend I went off my medication (Zoloft) and became progressively worse. By the time I broke up with her, I was extremely sick with depression and anxiety. Those first few weeks after having broken up with her and on 20 milligrams of Celexa were absolute bliss. I felt so amazing. My ex., S., is a depressive who takes Prozac. I don't think it is a good idea for me to date another depressive. I play off people's energy so much that another depressive is a pretty difficult match for me to sustain. Being with S. likely fucked up my brain, at least that's one of my theories. She and I argued a lot, and therefore I had a high degree of anxiety. I wonder if the anxiety over time broke me down to a constant state of anxiety. Of course, I love her and miss her, so not being with her is also tough, though ultimately I believe it is for the best. I feel teary tonight. I don't feel my worst, though. Whenever this creepy feeling hits, it is so disappointing. I want to be confident and enjoy myself. I probably do need to switch medications, since I am not willing to up the Celexa. The thought of trying a new drug (or going back to Zoloft) is so scary. I don't think that the Zoloft had much of a sexual side effect and I could see if I could manage my weight with it (I'd stop it for sure if the weight became an issue). This is somewhat repetetive because I'm thinking outloud (so-to-speak). I need to take some kind of action, at least I think I do, and that's hard for me, so I'm trying to push myself towards a decision by writing about it (it gets me to think). My mom would like me to put myself in the hands of a psychiatrist, let him (or her) decide. I don't mind consultations but I am wary of simply allowing a shrink to choose something so important. I prefer to have already made up my mind what I want before I go to my prescribing shrink. This shrink is very nice that way. He definitely gives me his ideas but is respectful of my choices. I could get some more consultations but that takes more time and energy. The internet is very helpful. S. thinks I should go back on Zoloft, and I trust her ideas. I'm glad that I started this blog because when I feel depressed I become quite empty and serious, and it's hard to write, unless I write about the immediacy of what I am feeling. For those of you who do not suffer from clinical depression, at least for me, it seems to feel distinctly different from sadness. It is a feeling of illness that seems to feel different from when I am sad. It helps to be around people but I don't want to always have to be around people. I'm someone who likes to be alone a lot, doing art, writing, playing with my cats, etc. The depression gets in the way of being able to enjoy this alone time. I also like to be alone sometimes because I am more likely to do the things besides medication that help me with my symptoms: swimming, eating healthy, avoiding caffeine, and sleeping enough. I can also clean my apartment and organize things, making me feel less overwhelmed. The anxiety gets exacerbated by loud, crowded situations. I think I'll stop writing for tonight.

posted by Jayla @ Saturday, September 11, 2004