Depression and Anxiety

Cried Today, Still Taking 15 mg. Celexa

I felt very good on Friday, though stressed out at work, not neccesarily in a bad way. I felt manic-like, very happy with maybe a twinge of irritability. I could feel that I might be getting a cold. Then late last night, my cold hit. I took a 24 hour sudafed pill and that brought on a lot of anxiety. My sleep was anxious. When I woke up in the morning, it was due to some major thunder. Perhaps because I was just waking up and because it's near 9/11, I felt certain that we were "under attack." I turned on the television fully expecting to see that there was a war (just like what happened to me on 9/11 around the same time in the morning). It was just the beginning of a downpour. Then today I've felt quite depressed and anxious. I cried in the evening. Crying is usually a sign for me that I am pretty depressed/anxious. It happened in the context of a skirmish with a friend who was also in a bad mood. Later that night we talked and let it all go due to both of us not feeling good that day. Extra sensitivity also goes with my depression and anxiety. I am sensitive to begin with but take everything super personally when I am depressed and anxious. I was able to go for a swim in the evening, and that helped, but now I feel sick and sad. I miss my ex-girlfriend, S. We've been having some nice phone conversations now and then so it's very hard. I always get very depressed when I'm sick. Even if I tell myself, "This always happens when you're sick, so don't worry about it," the feelings of depression are too strong for me not to. I am having a pattern of doing well during the work week and bad during the weekends. This is likely because I am busier during the work week. I was also thinking of going back to my old therapist. When I felt depressed, I ran from both my girlfriend and therapist (maybe rightly so). Now that I feel depressed again (on and off), I think of returning to them. There is a feeling of dependence. There is also a feeling that because I am depressed, it could be blamed on me being alone and not in therapy, so I want that again, sort of to satisfy expectations of what should make me happy. My personal biggest concern is the issue of medication. I'm thinking of going back on the Zoloft (and checking daily to make sure there's not an impact on my weight or at least no more than any SSRI, all of which seem to have that effect to some extent). My dad is against the Zoloft, with the idea that he has seen some patients gain tons of weight in a short time. I have a hard time doing what my dad is against, but I'm starting to think, why not try it out since it was what worked in the past? I should probably wait until my cold is over. So many people do fine with a cold but I go nuts! I hate being sick so much!

posted by Jayla @ Saturday, September 18, 2004