Depression and Anxiety

Increasing Celexa to 15 mg.

Today I felt so-so during the day, but teary towards the evening. When I am depressed, I become more sensitive, so an unpleasant interaction with my grandmother didn't help. I was sitting in the backseat of a car with her, with my dad driving in the front (next to his girlfriend K) and we were discussing how great my cousin R is doing, looking quite fashionable and working at a new job in fashion design. Then my grandmother looked at me and said, "I remember when you were pretty." I said, "When I was pretty? That's not very nice." She kept looking me over and said again twice, "You were pretty...You were pretty." I put up my hand and said, "Talk to the hand, Grandma, because I'm not listening anymore. You're really upsetting me." That didn't stop her, though. She said, "You were beautiful." The not-subtle insinuation is that I was thin. K and Dad did not defend me either or tell me I was pretty. After we dropped my grandmother off, I cried quietly in the back seat, and K and Dad were not helpful. K told me to get over it, to drop it, and Dad told me that his mother didn't mean it badly, that she was just "hopeful," so that was also hurtful. I once wrote him a letter that I want him to stand up for me when she is mean to me, but it obviously didn't do anything. My dad said, "Just think of it like a homeless person on the street saying that to you." I responded honestly that, "I would get upset if a homeless person said it to me too!" In fact, I have! Once a homeless guy asked me for money and I said, "Sorry," as I was walking and he followed me and yelled how a fat bitch like me must have a lot of money for food. No doubt I was crying after that! K only made me feel worse, before telling me to drop the incident with my grandmother by telling me (of her own parents): "My parents always told me how beautiful and wonderful I am and they still do." I was like, "Oh, that's so nice..." My dad suggested I take 15 milligrams of Celexa, so I started that tonite. I figured that there is no hurt in trying it out. I emailed Sarah about her old therapist, if she liked her, if she would be good for me. I have always hated Sunday nites, and tonite was worse than usual!

posted by Jayla @ Sunday, September 12, 2004